My first blog post!
So in all honesty, I’ve started this lovely little blog as a place to write down my thoughts and feelings as I journey down the path towards pregnancy. It’s been nearly a year since we started “TTC” and well, it hasn’t nearly been as easy as I thought it would be. But I’ve learned that my journey is nothing like that of some others who’ve been trying for much longer & gone to much greater lengths to try and conceive. Everyone’s journey is different though, and there isn’t one that is less important than another. There is just no escaping the emotions that come with this journey. It’s a mix of trying to remain confident and positive while battling the feelings of despair when another cycle comes to an end without a pregnancy.
Infertile. If there ever was a word that made me want to vomit, that’s the word. And it’s a frightening word b/c so much “unknown” exists in just one word. I consider myself a positive person, a motivator if you will. I try to inspire others every day. In my role as a coach, my primary job is to motivate the girls I coach to become better, to push past their best, to always strive to reach their goals. Seeing them believe in themselves and thrive — NO.BETTER.FEELING. Motivation and positivity are things I’m VERY good at. But when it came time to discuss fertility, I found myself scared and nervous. What would results show? What if I couldn’t conceive? It’s amazing how quickly your confidence plummets when faced with the unknown.
So far, this journey has taught me a lot about myself. I kind of find it to be an analogy to life. If something is worthwhile, it is worth fighting for! It’s learning to keep fighting and keep trying even when you’ve come close to wanting to give up. Metaphorical to what I teach the girls I coach. Are you going to give up when it gets tough or are you going to keep trying?
The many emotions that I’ve gone through, and am bound to go though — I’m sure I’ll write about them here. Right now we are in the midst of our first cycle using Ovidrel and progesterone. Two weeks ago I went to Shady Grove to get blood work and an ultrasound to check the size of my follicles. I ended up going two days in a row so they could monitor my follicle growth. It’s crazy how precise they are and all the things that need to go into the timing of a pregnancy. When I went in the first time, I was amazed. There were so many other women there at 7:15am — all going through something similar to me — how many cycles had they been through, how many mornings did they come in early to get blood drawn and have their follicle size analyzed? What exactly were they going through? Timed Pregnancy? IUI? IVF? No one talked to each other. Barely any eye-contact. And in a place where I was supposed to feel hopeful, all I could feel was enormous sadness that so many others were going through a battle with infertility, too. I desperately want for them what I want for myself & my hubby. The 2nd morning I went in, I was followed in by a woman who must have been having her bloodwork pregnancy test done b/c she made mention of “feeling nervous” and “not feeling optimistic”. I just wanted to reach out and give her a hug and tell her I was pulling for her. But I didn’t, I was too scared to say anything. Looking back, I wish I’d said something.
Now we wait — and we hope for the best. The one thing I keep reminding myself is that I’m not alone in this battle. There is someone else going through this, too. My husband. I know that I’m the one going through the treatments, getting my blood drawn, administering shots of medicine, etc. — but he’s also a big part of this. And I don’t want to make this all about me. B/c in the end, he’s my partner and my best friend. And whatever I’m feeling, even if I feel as though it’s tougher on me b/c it’s my body, it still affects him. I’m glad I have him to help me in this journey we are taking together!
And while every passing month brings new emotions, I do try to remain positive, confident, hopeful… B/c one day I do know that this journey will lead us to a Huge Milestone…. A Family!
Until the next blog post…
milestones.and.motivation 