An Anniversary to Remember — And What a Difference a Year Makes!

Today is December 1st — Phil and I are celebrating our 5 Year Wedding Anniversary and SO MUCH more! 🙂

Wow, I just read through the 3 posts I wrote as we went through the grueling process of trying to conceive and had to grab the box of tissues. I never shared them, it was more of a way for me to release my feelings through words, something I know I’m good at. I remember so well writing those posts and feeling every bit of hope or pain, depending on where we were in the process.

Fast forward a little over a year from my last post and I’m sitting in our family room on our 5 year wedding anniversary. Phil is holding Harrison, who is sleeping, and I’m sitting here writing this. The Christmas tree we picked out yesterday is in the stand and ready to be decorated. And my heart, it’s filled with so much happiness I could literally burst. 

So much happened in a year’s time. Let me try to recap quickly. When I last posted, we were waiting to start our 2nd fresh cycle of IVF. That cycle, too, ended as the first one did. It was exceedingly tougher b/c at some point, one or both of the embryos implanted then had attached to the uterine wall but something happened and that pregnancy ended up not being viable. We’d found out on December 20th last year about Round 2. I remember taking the call at work and quickly leaving, crying the entire way home. Another 2 embryos/babies that we’d lost. My heart was so very sad. We kept the faith though that things really do happen as they should, even when we can’t figure out why.

Round 3 started in January 2017 with a frozen cycle – less intense than the 2 fresh cycles of IVF we’d gone through. We took the 2 frozen embryos we had (1 each from the 2 fresh cycles) and had them implanted on February 10, 2017. I had to wait until February 23 to find out if we were pregnant… but I just had this feeling that I was and I took a home pregnancy test on the 22nd only to have it FINALLY say “PREGNANT”. Phil had just left for work and it was literally around 5am in the morning so I texted him a picture of the test. Words do no justice to tell you how happy I was — finally, we were going to be parents!

My pregnancy was pretty amazing aside from the swollen ankles (which I’m sure everyone was sick of hearing about) — no sickness, great energy for the most part (aside from weeks 8-9 when I just wanted to nap all the time)… I felt as if it flew by – well at least the first 35 weeks… the last 6 weeks were just full of a lot of impatient waiting to meet our little guy. I worked out my entire pregnancy, seeing a personal trainer once a week. Her name is Amy and I cherished that 1 hour a week with her up until late September when I knew it was time to rest until Harrison came along. My doctors wanted me to stay fit and active and encouraged me to do what I could. Every time I worked out, I felt like I was teaching my son how strong his mom was and when I was done, I always felt like a champion. And when it came time for childbirth and ultimately c-section recovery, I could tell all those months of staying fit and active had helped me with the entire process. The recovery from c-section went much smoother than I’d imagined and I’m chomping at the bit to get back to working out again. I’m ready to be a bad-ass fab & fit 40 year old mom this coming year! Watch out world.

That leads me to today — so much for being brief above (I’m not known for my brevity though, ha). Today is our anniversary — there are no cards or flowers and we’re totally OK with that. I remember around year 2 when we decided we’d start trying to conceive. Who knew the grueling journey we’d both take but it was so far and away worth it, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I couldn’t have asked for a better teammate in all of this. Phil is beyond words the best husband, friend, partner and now DAD. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve cried, happily, in the past few weeks, just thinking how amazing he is as a dad or how lucky we are to finally have Harrison. Our perfect little family of 3. Already we get asked about #2 but honestly friends, we are just blessed to have Harrison and we are okay with one baby. He’s everything we could have ever imagined and we are so incredibly blessed. People tell you this is the hardest but most rewarding thing you’ll ever do in your life — but until you actually experience it, you don’t really understand it. Case in point, the first night we were home with H — and we both slept about an hour total. We both agreed we have this perfect little human to protect now. Well, here’s to life as a family of 3 – I look forward to life with my 2 guys — I love them with all my heart. And on our 5 year anniversary, Phil and I celebrate with a day that includes decorating Harrison’s first Christmas Tree, getting a new water heater (oh the romance), and celebrating without cards or gifts b/c we have the very best gift ever sitting now in his rock-n-play hanging out with mom and dad. Cheers to the 1st 5 years and to all the many more to come. I can’t wait to see what’s in store…

Finally, 2 great milestones to celebrate today… 5 years and our little miracle, Harrison. Life certainly has it’s twists and turns but I’d have it no other way… I love this time of year and I am looking forward to spending it with the hubs & Harrison. To Phil, Happy Anniversary. Love you with all my heart. You and Harrison are my world! xoxo

P.S. – For anyone going through IVF, IUI or infertility, this blog post helped me tremendously and was sent to me by a friend. Truly puts into words how the process feels: https://waitingforbabybird.com/2015/10/22/i-was-afraid-you-wouldnt-understand-grieving-lost-embryos/

P.P.S – For anyone struggling with anything, no matter what it is, I can say with confidence that you can get through anything — for me it was about taking the advice constantly give my team — life is about controlling the controllables and letting go of those things you can’t control. You can always control your attitude and your effort. So never give up and stay positive! What you put in is what you’ll get out!

 

IVF – The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

IVF is an intense process. Emotionally, physically… it’s exciting and draining all at the same time.  No one really tells you that. And until you go through it, you really don’t know what to expect. 

This fall I went through my first IVF treatment. Yesterday I got the heart-wrenching news that I wasn’t pregnant. It was quite crippling and something I’m still coming to terms with.

Back in September, I started my regular visits to SGFC for bloodwork and ultrasound. It became second nature. I saved my timeline for my cycle and scheduled dates on my calendar so I didn’t forget. When the medicine I had to take came in the mail, I was beyond overwhelmed. I even cried. It was so much stuff. Needles, syringes, multiple different medicines, pills, inserts, a bio-hazard container. But no instructions. Everything was online in the form of tutorial videos. WTF people. I like to read! Needless to say we watched the tutorial videos multiple times to make sure we knew what we were doing…

Luckily I have an amazing husband who helped me with this and really calmed my nerves when it came to the process. It became something we could do together every night. You know, preparing meds and sticking yourself with needles = the epitome of love & togetherness. Ha! Really though, he was great.

Once we got through the round of meds, it was time for the “trigger shot” — I’m not kidding you, I’m good with needles but this is a BIG a$$ needle that has to be stuck in your upper buttox area.

Two days later we were off to SG in Rockville for Egg Retreival Day. When I first started this, they realized that my right ovary was my champion ovary at the time. They were concerned my left wouldn’t produce but it did! They were able to retrieve 7 eggs. Pretty good number for my age! I was excited.

The next day they called to let me know that of the 7, 4 had fertilized perfectly and 1 irregularly. The others did nothing and they had to discard. Then the day after, I got the call that only 2 of those had developed into embryos and a 3rd was but it was slowing in growth and they weren’t sure what would happen. Given what they’d seen, they wanted to implant on Day 3 rather than Day 5. It was scary and I cried. Again. I thought I’d get 4 embryos but here I was with 2. Maybe 3. And they wanted to implant sooner b/c they felt they stood the greatest chance of survival in the womb.

So off I went, on Saturday 15th of October … back to SG in Rockville. Phil and I ready to take this journey to the next level. We got a call that morning from our doctor that Embryo #3 was thriving and doing well! Made me so happy. So the plan was set — they’d implant 2 embryos. TWO! A chance for twins… it was pretty exciting to me.

I can’t explain to you how awesome it was when they showed us the picture of the 2 embryos they were implanting. Those were our babies. OUR BABIES. Science is an amazing thing. Shady Grove had done in a matter of days what we’d been trying for 2+ years to do on our own with no luck.

I got home that Saturday and had some cramping but I happy. Just so very happy.

Then came the 2 week wait. It wasn’t as brutal as I’d thought – although I was super tired and probably fell asleep around 8-8:30 every night. I was exhausted, my body had been through so much and I was taking a bunch of meds to help with the implantation and making this a success. As the date of my pregnancy test neared, I got more nervous. And the Saturday before, I started spotting. Ironically just that morning I had said I hadn’t spotted at all. And then boom, there it was. The next day it was gone and my nerves subsided a bit but Monday, the day of my test, it came back. And it wasn’t just spotting, it was blood. A part of me got very sad knowing this wasn’t the best sign. Part of me knew I wasn’t pregnant.

At 3pm on Monday my phone finally rang. And I got the news that I’d been dreading. I wasn’t pregnant and it hadn’t worked. And just like that, the tears came. Why? For the love of God, why? All I could think of was the picture of those 2 embryos. And how they didn’t survive. Crushing. I don’t know that I’ve ever cried so hard in my life. I basically had to mourn the loss of what I thought would possibly be my 2 babies.

Today I talked to my doctor. He said my 1 frozen embryo is great, it’s a grade A/B blastocyst. Great news! My cycle was very good. My uterus had measured great, 12.9 mm (just in case you were wondering what a solid uterus measurement is). Our decision was based on my needs, to do another fresh cycle now and try to add to the frozen reserve we have. He wants me to take CoQ10. I have to go order that next. The plan is solid and he’s very optimistic.

So here I am 11/1/16. Waiting for the first FULL day of my next cycle. Yesterday was hard, so very hard. But today brings new hope. For another chance at becoming a mother. I want so badly to be a mom. I know it will happen, I have to believe that it will.

Until the next time…. here’s to the good, the bad and the ugly. Let’s hope my next update has more of the good & less of the ugly.  I’m going to do whatever I need to do in order to ensure I’m giving this little life (or lives) the best possible chance to survive and thrive. Can’t wait to be a mom.

Staying Positive Through the Storms…

Well, today I got the call I was dreading… and I didn’t realize how much the words would truly sting. “Hi Jennifer, I’m sorry I don’t have the news you were hoping for…”  I’d prepared myself for them in advance though. Sunday I took a pregnancy test. It was 15 days out from my trigger and I really thought that by then all the pregnancy hormone would be out of my system. Unfortunately though, I didn’t even have to worry about a false positive b/c I got a BFN. Acronyms. My life is surrounded by them at work. And now I have a few new ones to remember. BFN = Big Fat Negative.That is not the acronym that I was hoping to become familiar with. My hope is that soon, I’ll be able to write here of a BFP (Big Fat POSITIVE) — I love the word POSITIVE for so many reasons!

Still though, I let a glimpse of hope exist that maybe, just maybe the test I took was wrong & that the blood test I’d have done this AM would tell us differently. However when the call came through, it was what I expected.

It’s hard to explain but every month when one cycle ends and another one begins, I go through all the stages of loss in one short day. Today, my the last bit of hope I had was snuffed out. You allow yourself those few weeks to build up that hope … not to get too excited but just to experience all the wonders of what it will be like bringing new life into the world and starting a family. And then with the flick of wrist it seems, that hope is gone. Today, for me, I went through the sadness of loss while on the stationary bike in cycle class. I closed my eyes and for a moment, remembered yesterday and how yesterday, I still had hope. But today, that hope was gone. When I started to cry, I just reminded myself I was strong & to push through the pain by pushing myself to finish strong in the class.

Lucky for me, tomorrow is a new day. And tomorrow brings NEW hope. The start of a new cycle. When I got home tonight I had gotten my period. Oddly, the nurse on the phone today said to just stop taking my meds and my period would come “within a week” — my body must have just known it was time, and it was okay to let go. That I would understand this just wasn’t the month. I’m rather glad it happened today though b/c I was thinking today how my period has come to be my trigger for the loss of hope and that today it was a phone call. I kept thinking how I would have to endure additional pain when my period finally came on a different day. But, thankfully, it came today. Sparing me too much more pain.

I came home tonight to crazy storms. Some of the worst we’ve seen in some time. In some cathartic way, I felt as though it was my mom releasing her wrath on the world for my pain. It was her way of telling me she was here and that she was pissed at the world, too. I know it was also her way of reminding me that after every storm, comes the calm and the rainbow. In order to weather the storm, you have to learn to dance in the rain. Appreciate the tough times b/c they will make the good times so much more worthwhile…And as I sit here on my couch I can see in the distance the glow of the sun peeking through the clouds.

So I end this post by saying “There’s Always Next Month” — Maybe July will be our month. Maybe. Tonight, I grieve. But tomorrow, my hope springs anew. I’m staying strong & positive through the storms. And mom, thanks for finding your way into my day — I needed that today. So much.

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths, When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” — Mahatma Gandhi

“If we had no winter, spring would not be so pleasant. If we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. — Anne Bradstreet

First Post in My Journey of Firsts — To Milestones & The Motivation to Achieve Them!

My first blog post!

So in all honesty, I’ve started this lovely little blog as a place to write down my thoughts and feelings as I journey down the path towards pregnancy. It’s been nearly a year since we started “TTC” and well, it hasn’t nearly been as easy as I thought it would be. But I’ve learned that my journey is nothing like that of some others who’ve been trying for much longer & gone to much greater lengths to try and conceive. Everyone’s journey is different though, and there isn’t one that is less important than another. There is just no escaping the emotions that come with this journey. It’s a mix of trying to remain confident and positive while battling the feelings of despair when another cycle comes to an end without a pregnancy.

Infertile. If there ever was a word that made me want to vomit, that’s the word. And it’s a frightening word b/c so much “unknown” exists in just one word. I consider myself a positive person, a motivator if you will. I try to inspire others every day. In my role as a coach, my primary job is to motivate the girls I coach to become better, to push past their best, to always strive to reach their goals. Seeing them believe in themselves and thrive — NO.BETTER.FEELING. Motivation and positivity are things I’m VERY good at. But when it came time to discuss fertility, I found myself scared and nervous. What would results show? What if I couldn’t conceive? It’s amazing how quickly your confidence plummets when faced with the unknown.

So far, this journey has taught me a lot about myself. I kind of find it to be an analogy to life. If something is worthwhile, it is worth fighting for! It’s learning to keep fighting and keep trying even when you’ve come close to wanting to give up. Metaphorical to what I teach the girls I coach. Are you going to give up when it gets tough or are you going to keep trying? 

The many emotions that I’ve gone through, and am bound to go though — I’m sure I’ll write about them here. Right now we are in the midst of our first cycle using Ovidrel and progesterone. Two weeks ago I went to Shady Grove to get blood work and an ultrasound to check the size of my follicles. I ended up going two days in a row so they could monitor my follicle growth. It’s crazy how precise they are and all the things that need to go into the timing of a pregnancy. When I went in the first time, I was amazed. There were so many other women there at 7:15am — all going through something similar to me — how many cycles had they been through, how many mornings did they come in early to get blood drawn and have their follicle size analyzed? What exactly were they going through? Timed Pregnancy? IUI? IVF? No one talked to each other. Barely any eye-contact. And in a place where I was supposed to feel hopeful, all I could feel was enormous sadness that so many others were going through a battle with infertility, too. I desperately want for them what I want for myself & my hubby. The 2nd morning I went in, I was followed in by a woman who must have been having her bloodwork pregnancy test done b/c she made mention of “feeling nervous” and “not feeling optimistic”. I just wanted to reach out and give her a hug and tell her I was pulling for her. But I didn’t, I was too scared to say anything. Looking back, I wish I’d said something.

Now we wait — and we hope for the best. The one thing I keep reminding myself is that I’m not alone in this battle. There is someone else going through this, too. My husband. I know that I’m the one going through the treatments, getting my blood drawn, administering shots of medicine, etc. — but he’s also a big part of this. And I don’t want to make this all about me. B/c in the end, he’s my partner and my best friend. And whatever I’m feeling, even if I feel as though it’s tougher on me b/c it’s my body, it still affects him. I’m glad I have him to help me in this journey we are taking together!

And while every passing month brings new emotions, I do try to remain positive, confident, hopeful… B/c one day I do know that this journey will lead us to a Huge Milestone…. A Family!

Until the next blog post…